A Self Aware Leader is Compassionate

In keeping up with our theme of the self aware leader – I want to talk about compassion starting with curiosity.

First let’s define compassion vs. some of its relatives- empathy or sympathy

All of these terms suggest that we can share in our colleague’s feelings – usually disappointment – sorrow or distress – and imagine what it must be like to be them – that is the similarity

Empathy and Sympathy go the additional step of feeling what they are feeling- the vicarious participation

I like to use the analogy often used in recovery – seeing a hole – and going into it – empathy and sympathy suggest we climb into the hole with our colleague- see what it must be like to be inside the hole looking up –

As a coach – I am really aiming for compassion. I didn’t really get this distinction until I trained with the late Judith Glaser – the author of Conversational Intelligence. The difference being is that with compassion I am still sharing in my colleague or client’s feelings – but I am not getting in the hole with them. Someone has got to stay out of the hole to lend aid to get them out. I am that person.

The other relative term that stays out of the hole is pity. But pity is from a place of ‘condescension.’ A “ I would never go down the street that had hole – too bad for you.”

Pity separates the coach and client or colleagues – that does not serve- because it suggests a superior subordinate relationship.

So now that we have defined compassion – and that we intend to stay out of the hole – in order to aid – yet share in their feelings- how do we achieve that - ?

We start with curiosity. Imagine a continuum running from right to left. If the far right is curiosity, the far left would be judgment. Suspend your judgment. Start with “I wonder – “ Begin to imagine – what are they feeling? What are they facing? What are the emotions they are experiencing? What seems rational? Yet what is wildly emotional? How can they achieve balance? How can I best partner to create a magical ladder or rope to help them climb out of this hole? Or does it serve them to understand all the facets of this hole before exiting?

Our whole society is wired for ‘doing’ – what does it aid them to just be?
WE listen – letting people think aloud creates clarity – places emotions, objects, decisions all into place and grounds them - allows them to breathe more deeply – get more oxygen – think more clearly and separate themselves from others’ desires.

Be silent

Then ask – what else?

Again – what else?

Until everything has been exhausted.

Then- What have you learned ?

As compassionate colleagues- we give them safety – time and space. We may be a conduit for a way out of the hole they find themselves in.

How does this play into the Self-Aware Leader?

By being curious we learn where colleagues or staff members are coming from. What else is on their plate besides work assignments. We can be compassionate- for the colleague to know we are listening, we understand what they may be feeling. We wish for their suffering – whatever it may be- in whatever form it might take – will lessen or abate.

You may think this compassion isn’t professional, that we should keep working. If you feel your staff are not people – then suspend all expectations of them doing anything but widget work. What a robot could accomplish is all you will get.
They meet responsibility but do not exceed – they will keep strict hours and never go out of their way for you – because you have not gone out of your way for them.

The new self aware leader knows the impact of his actions on others- and seeks to understand what his staff is going through – he creates safety and shows compassion – staying out of the hole to assist- but gets curious so that he never strays into the condescension of pity. Because pity separates and is unsafe for the employee.

Do you work with a leader who needs greater self-awareness? Training on compassion and curiosity? They aren’t alone. It is the number one area HR leaders seek out a coach. I work with clients one on one to increase their awareness and build trust between themselves and others. Set up some time to discuss your leader by emailing : shawna@shawnacorden.com

Which brings us to our tool of the week:

Evaluating which sharing feelings you are engaging in when others present challenges:

Are you staying out of the hole? Then you are in the space of compassion or pity Are you judging them for getting into the hole? Then you are in a place of pity – and separating yourself and not aiding

Are you finding yourself worrying and in the hole with them? Then you are practicing empathy or sympathy – how can you share in their feelings but still be clear-headed and aid their exit from the hole?

Seek to be of assistance – be curious – listen - make them safe.

SO HERE’S YOUR fieldwork –because COACHING WITHOUT ACTION ISN’T COACHIng – IT’S JUST ENTERTAINMENT

For 5 minutes brainstorm- glance at your calendar and look at your interactions over the last week or two. Which of the following the situations are you facing on a regular basis: Do people come to you for a listening ear? Do people dump problems into your lap? Are you a safe space?

Which situations happen more frequently ?– which are you likely to fall into an unhelpful space by absorbing their pain? Practice boundaries and skills to keep you curious and not in the hole. Make a note for those challenging situations in your calendar to be intentional about what skills you will practice.

If you liked this blog, please subscribe and share. If you would like to hear more about a topic that would make your work fun by improving the leaders in your organization please drop us a line at shawna@shawnacorden.com

Until next week – take good care